An Unexpected Charge? That's Bull!!! Moose Hunt 2013

I’ve been applying for the mythically rare Colorado moose license for 8 years. The chance of getting such a coveted prize was 1 in 22,000. To me, it was just a chance for the Colorado Division of Wildlife to borrow my $250 for a few months as a short-term loan before returning it to me, minus processing fees, telling me that I was unsuccessful and better luck next year.

Much to my surprise, I opened the letter from the DOW with an antlerless moose tag enclosed, letting me know that I was successful in drawing the Silver Spur Ranching for Wildlife antlerless moose tag. I chose to apply for antlerless because most hunters want the big bull trophy with antlers. I was more interested in the meat, and, the hunting experience.

A requirement for the hunt was to attend the moose seminar, so, per our agreement, Kaoru and I attended one day in late August. Kaoru had been applying for a moose license for as long as I had, and, we agreed to hunt together regardless of who drew the first tag. A lot of the people in the classroom at the Denver Merchandise Mart had been applying for 20-30 years. Old men with gray hair dotted the landscape when we walked in; a look in their eyes like kids on Christmas morning. Excited chatter filled the room as they exchanged names and numbers and wishing each other good luck. Kaoru and I sat down, and soon enough a woman (the only woman attending) sat down in the chair one over from me. It was my assumption that she sat near me because she only saw us from the back, and, thought that with my long hair she was going to be sitting next to someone of the same gender. She was a little surprised when she sat down, looked over, and two dudes welcomed her with a “good morning.”

Moose hunting techniques, behavior, processing, and, what was required of each hunter was all part of the seminar. The DOW wanted kidneys, a section of liver, a tooth, and a chunk of brain from each moose harvested. Also, hunt data, such as how many moose we saw, what gender, location, etc., was expected to be recorded. The day wrapped up and we were off to wait for the magical first day of the hunt.

The previous year, my ex-wife and I divorced. A lot of my hunting stuff was disorganized and in disarray because of the shuffling, moving out of my house, moving back in, having my rifles in different locations, etc. Additionally, I had met a lovely woman, Deanna, in the middle of my divorce, and we had started dating. With a lot of detail that I don’t wish to discuss in my blog about the divorce proceedings, I was able to move back into my house, and, I invited Deanna and her two boys to move in with me. Both of her sons, along with Deanna, had taken the Hunter’s Safety course and passed with flying colors. Additionally, I asked Deanna to be my wife, and, she said she would. We planned the wedding for October 5^th. My moose hunt started the weekend of September 21. Leading up to my once-in-a-lifetime hunt was more wedding planning than moose-hunt planning, but I was able to pull most of my stuff together. What helped was that the weekend prior, one of Deanna’s sons had drawn a muzzleloading elk hunt tag, which forced me to gather my stuff together a week early. Two items were missing: my range finder and my binoculars. I searched high and low, but to my chagrin, both remained lost.

Friday morning before the hunt, I loaded all the camping equipment in my F150, picked up Kaoru, went and bought food for our week-long hunt, and headed up to North Park Colorado, to the town of Walden. I hadn’t sighted in my rifle for 2013 hunting season, and we found a range near Walden that went out to 500 yards: perfect for my 7MM RUM Sendero with Huskemaw scope, shooting 180-Grain Berger bullets. My last shot at 500 yards was one inch low, one inch right, from the bull. Good enough for me.

We had to check in with the hunt coordinator at the Silver Spur Ranch, and he showed me and a bull-moose hunter (Brent, and his buddy Ron) a 7-mile section of the North Platte where they had seen some moose. We agreed that the next morning, Kaoru and I would start hunting the north end, he and Ron would start in the south. The two other moose hunters would be hunting along the Canadian River system east of Walden.

Setting up camp in the dark at the Lake John State Wildlife Area, by the headlight of my truck (I discovered then that one of my bulbs was burned out), it was 9 PM before the tent was up. I fired up the propane stove and double-cheese-burgers were soon consumed before we turned off the propane lanterns with the alarm set for 5:20.

The moon over Lake John SWA

Kaoru, finishing camp setup

Your's truly, grilling burgers

 

Dark and cold, early, and we had forgotten coffee on our shopping trip, we struggled out of camp. I was munching strawberry peanut butter fiber bars (7 grams of fiber each – the last thing I wanted was to be constipated while hunting), and we headed towards the north end of the property. We dropped off the trailer, packed with 4 150-quart coolers, at a ranch house, and meandered through their twisty-turny property to get on the main road heading south. The last area was a frozen-mud pasture full of horses, lining up at the double-gate on the far side, wanting to get through to the greener grass on the other side. Kaoru opened the gate, I drove through, and one of the horses snuck past before Kaoru could close the gate. Horsey stopped on the opposite side and started munching grass. Kaoru and I discussed our options. I called our hunt guide and left a message telling him that a horse was out, I wasn’t a horse wrangler, and, asked if he could tell the rancher there to go get his horse. I had moose to hunt, and didn’t have time to mess around with an errant horse. I figured that if they didn’t want horses to get out, they could have put them in a different pasture.

Down the muddy and bumpy road we went, stopping at every available area to glass over the river bottom glassing for big dark 4-legged beasts wandering in and out of the willows. Eventually we happened upon the other hunters, who were set up with a spotting scope. They said they had seen a group of moose down on the opposite side of the river, including at least one bull and several cows. Brent wasn’t interested in going after the moose opening morning – they had several days to hunt and wanted to take their time. So they welcomed us to go after the moose, and they would watch the hunt from their spotting scope. That sounded good to me!

Over the river and through the willows to the herd of moose we go, we have found a way to the moose we shall slay, across the green fields we go, hey! We stopped just short of the field where the moose were hiding. We didn’t actually see the moose through the spotting scope – they were all in the willows when we stopped and talked with Brent. Kaoru and I gathered all of our hunting gear and we began to creep our way towards the likely area where they were hopefully hanging out.

Thrashing willows and low grunts stopped us in our tracks. Kneeling and getting as low as we could, a large bull moose appeared on the opposite side of an open field. Stopping and thrashing the willow branches with his antlers, we heard another bull moose approximately 200 yards down the river bottom, doing exactly the same thing. The rut was in full force, and these bulls were vying for the lovely lady moose to create future generations of mooselings.  I was vying for a lovely lady moose as well, but the last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself and be seen as competition for the ginormous beast that had no clue we were in his immanent domain. Mr. Bullwinkle continued down the treeline and disappeared into the willows again. We waited for the other moose to show themselves, but, none ambled into view, so we continued towards the area where the bull emerged.

Two dark shapes appeared in the opening where the bull had come through, and we quickly knelt again. Two young moose walked through. The cow first, then the young bull. I put my rifle up to my shoulder and put the cross-hairs on the center of her chest. Nope, not this one. I was holding out for a larger moose. She turned around and walked back through the opening. The young bull took this opportunity to try and mount her, but failed miserably. Another large black shape passed behind the opening in the willows. It was the big cow. But she was too quick, and hearing splashing water, we assumed she had crossed the river. Sure enough, Kaoru and I ventured to where she had been and noticed the low-water area where she crossed. Unfortunately, our waders were in the truck, so we continued to hunt the area heading towards the truck.

Arriving at the F150, we decided that the moose were heading south, so, why not go to the south end of the property and cut them off? Our waders on, we drove to the far end, where the road became lost in a flood plain. I stopped just short of the marsh and we continued on foot to the fence line. Over the barbed wire (not easy in wet slippery waders), we headed east through the thick willows to where the river crossed the southern boundary, sneaking as stealthily as possible the entire time (a difficult task in noisy waders). Upon reaching the river, the water was dark, the river was narrow, and starting the venture across, the muddy wetness quickly rose to the top of my chest-waders. It was time to slowly turn around and attempt to find a different path across the aqueous channel.  Downstream our luck changed; the river was wide, the water less deep, and we were able to continue the hunt in our regularly-scheduled fashion.

Walking east from the other side of the river, a bull, two cows, and two calves ran from the opposite side of the fence onto the hunting property. They were running at a full clip, crossing the fence with ease, about 400 yards away. Much too far for a running shot, and they were quickly on the other side of a bank of willows, continuing to head north. We headed east, and an opening in the willows allowed Kaoru and I to venture to a larger viewing area. There was no way we could pursue the moose at their speed, so the hope was that the moose would slow down and begin grazing, or perhaps work their way back south. Moose tracks indicated that the herd had come through, so we waited in the shade for their return.

Opposite us on the other side of the field, a large black shape with paddled antlers emerged. It was a bull moose, not the one we saw earlier, but a second, slightly larger moose, and it reared its moosy head. He looked left, then right, then left again, until he locked his gaze with us. Transfixed in his stare, a moment of trepidation, he charged. 200 yards, running at full speed towards us; “Fuck this dude, I’m outta here,” Kaoru exclaimed, jumping to his feet and taking off. I was still watching the moose, like an animal in the road watching the headlights of an oncoming car. Kaoru running between the moose and I broke my gaze and I followed him through the muddy gap in the willows, running as fast as my legs would take me. Time slowed and I glanced around quickly, looking for anything that would be a big enough barrier between the moose and I, but the willows were lacking in girth and height. I ran to the willow edge and knelt. I figured if all else failed, I had a rifle, and although I didn’t have a bull license, I would have to explain to the DOW officers that it was either me or the moose… or Kaoru, who only had a knife. I figured I had a 50/50 chance of not getting injured in a moose attack, but Kaoru… well, he has a black belt in judo, but tossing a 2000 pound charging moose might be above his skill level.

Thankfully, the moose changed course, and emerged from the willows about 100 yards from where we were. Still shaken from the experience, it was an afterthought to grab my iPhone and get a picture of the beast. By that time, he was on the far edge of the field, going into the willows. I was able to snap a few pictures, but it didn’t quite capture the moment. However, I found out that Brent shot that moose the following Tuesday. 

The moose that charged us. You can barely see the antler by the edge of the clearing.

The same moose that charged us: Brent ended up shooting it.

 

After the excitement of the situation wore off, Kaoru and I agreed that the moose we were after had probably bedded down, and we didn’t want to push them… we could come back for the evening hunt. It was 10:00 AM, the sun warming the area, and moose tend to bed down in the heat of the day. Additionally, when there is a full moon (like there was the night before), the moose move at night, and bed down early. It was best to head back to the truck.

Headed west, Kaoru discovered that crossing the barbed-wire fence had ripped a hole in his waders, thus we needed to find another lower, wide spot in the river to cross. The lowering adrenaline and the heat caused by walking in the rubber and coated nylon waders were wearing on us both. The sun beating down on our sweating heads made the river crossing that much more palatable, and we found a spot to cross back, keeping the water line below the tear in Kaoru’s waders.

Turning the truck around, driving back the way we came, we happened across Brent and Ron, who tracked the herd to a large cottonwood tree in the middle of the property. As we were telling them about our adventure, they received a call from the hunt guide, telling them that they were on private property. The guide had told us the wrong fence line for the boundary; the property we were on belonged to the neighbor to the south. What did that mean for us? That the herd of moose we were tracking had bedded down on private land. (!)

The ranch hand, a fellow named Valentio, came along in his truck and explained further, in a thick Hispanic accent, that unfortunately the area where we were was off-limits. He then explained where the boundary was, and to make our way off of the land the ranch didn’t own. I explained that the moose we were after were bedded down right by the cottonwood tree. You could see in his eyes that his hands were figuratively tied. He shrugged and let us know that the landowner was kind of strange, liked his privacy, and in order to keep good relations, it was best if we weren’t on his property. *sigh*

Back to Walden, we stopped at a Tire and Auto Parts store to purchase a tire-repair kit for Kaoru’s waders, and, a new headlight for the truck. With my handy-dandy Gerber multi-tool in hand, Karou pulled out my headlight and replaced the bulb. His Honda needs a new bulb about every two months, so he’s extremely well versed in dismantling the front assembly. I reassembled it as he went to work on his waders on my tailgate.

The wind must have been blowing about 50 miles per hour: my eyes were drying out and my sunglasses didn’t block much. Kaoru was struggling with the messy tire patch kit, so I assisted as best I could. Finally he got the patch in place, with plenty of rubber cement, and I put my tire-chain bag over the top of the patch so that it would seal flat. The bar and grill in town provided relief from the sun and wind, and, a tasty bite of food before we headed back to camp.

Our Camp Site

 

Back at camp, Kaoru plotted the boundaries of the hunt area on my forest-service map, using his Garmin 530 HCx. We were indeed hunting in the area outlined to us by the ranch when they sent us their maps. When we went back out for the evening hunt, after picking up the trailer from the north end, I called our hunt guide to confirm. Sure enough, he told us the maps we were sent were incorrect. With that in mind, we drove passed Vantio’s house and stopped to ask him again what the boundaries were. Valentino offered to drive Kaoru down and show him the boundaries of the property to the south while I unhooked the trailer. He came back with new knowledge, and from there, we went a-lookin’ for moose.

I tried to have a good attitude, but was pissed that we couldn’t go where we wanted. That we were gypped. That we made all that effort that AM only to be stymied in our evening hunt. That we wasted all that time only to be told that our efforts were in vain – that we could have been injured or killed by a charging bull moose and couldn’t even go seek retribution. Not that we would have actually sought retribution against the bull moose for protecting its territory against two hapless humans, but that we only wanted an opportunity to seek out what we had discovered in our morning hunt and be successful. Alas, with knowledge comes responsibility, and we knew now where the boundaries were, and as ethical hunters, we would not cross the boundary again. Yes, there was another 6 miles of river-bottom to hunt, but there had been no reports of moose on the north side.

The best way to hunt moose in that area was to find a high point and scan the area, and then plan the hunt. It’s called “spot-and-stalk” hunting. But all the high points along the way resulted in zero results. It doesn’t mean there were no moose in the area; only that we didn’t see any. It didn't help that I was using a junky pair of 7x35 binoculars. We crossed the river again and searched downriver (the river flowed north) for any moose sign while the sun sunk lower and lower on the horizon. It was the end of the day. No moose. I made my way back towards the bridge, heading back to camp, dejected and still pissed off that we didn’t see any moose.

Moose! I slowed the truck down and stopped by an opening in the willows on the west side of the river before the bridge. The first big bull from this morning was standing about 150 yards away, next to a clump of willows.

I snapped a quick picture, snuck 50 feet from the center line of the dirt road, and steadied my rifle on my knee. Where there was a bull, there might be cows. I watched the area, and sure enough, I saw the cow moose skirting in and out of the willows. Sweet! The cow would disappear, reappear somewhere else, disappear again, etc. Finally I saw an opening in the willows where I saw a head appear. No antlers! Then the head disappeared and the body moved behind it. A perfect view of the lungs right behind the shoulder.

BANG!

The moose moved forward and out of sight.

I went back to the truck. An excited Kaoru asked, “Did you get it?”

“I think so!” I put my rifle down and grabbed my pack, getting ready to go find my moose.

“Dude – that bull is still there.” I grabbed my binoculars and viewed the area. The big bull was staring right at us. There was no way I was going to approach the area with the bull still giving us the evil eye. I learned my lesson from the morning hunt. Kaoru honked the truck horn. He just looked at us. Nothing scares a moose. I thought then would be a perfect time to go find Valentio and ask for assistance. We drove up the road a short way and found him, with his brother, wife, sister-in-law, their kids, all standing around. They asked if that was me that shot. I told him that I believed I had a moose down, but that there was a big bull in the way of making sure, and that I needed some assistance. He said sure, and asked if his family could come see as well. I told him the more the merrier. Plus it would be more people to charge at should the moose decide to retaliate.

Driving back to the area, we slowed and came to a stop. I pointed out the area where I believed my moose was, referencing the bull that was still standing there. He mentioned that we could drive right up to it, and he led the way down the road, turning south, down 150 yards, then cut into an opening in the willows. He stopped his truck and got out. The bull must have decided to go down-country, as, the presence of all the vehicles entering his territory was too much to take on. Kaoru hopped out and ran up to where the guys were standing, looking at something on the ground, and then looking back at me. I grabbed my rifle from the back seat and started walking towards them. The way they were looking at me, I was thinking, “What? What is it? What are they not telling me? What did I do?” When I approached and looked down, I saw what their eyes betrayed.

I’ve shot elk bigger than the moose that was lying on the ground.

I was in shock. I knew I had shot an antlerless moose when I squeezed the trigger. But I was expecting a larger animal. The sheer lack of size made me speechless. I walked over to it. Kaoru said, “Be careful dude – it could be still alive.” I looked down at the gaping hole in the side, right behind the shoulder, and thought it was doubtful. I poked its eye with my barrel. No reaction. Valentio said, “It’s legal, right?” I nodded yes. “Okay, then. Congratulations!” His family started taking pictures. Brent and Ron showed up as well. Everyone was coming to take a look at the little moose I shot. My once-in-a-lifetime moose.

It is still a trophy.

Any animal whose life I take, to feed me and my family, is a trophy. To me, trophy is not measured in horns, or antlers, or size. It's about the hunt. It's about being with friends and family having a shared experience out in nature. It is simply the fact that I appreciate every bit of every animal that presents itself to me, that I may eat it knowing that it is not force-fed on a feedlot, and killed in a slaughterhouse. It lived its entire life in the wild. It died in its element. I honor that. Kaoru knelt down and said a prayer over the moose. I also said one, but I was going to do my tobacco ceremony in private, back at the camp.

They helped me load up the moose into the back of the truck, and we drove into town. I called Deanna to tell her the good news, and, called my dad to let him know that he didn’t need to drive up and help pack out the animal. We originally planned that had I gotten a larger moose, and needed assistance, he would drive up and help. We bought ice and headed back to camp. I dragged the moose out of the back of the truck, and, once on the ground, I pulled out my bag of American Spirit tobacco. As I rubbed the tobacco on its fuzzy head, sprinkling tobacco on the eyes, I said a prayer thanking the animal for its life, the food it provides, the sustenance that it gives, the beauty of its hide that I will preserve, and that the animal moves on to green pastures and has many happy returns here to the earthly plane.

Quartering the moose, and removing the back loins and tender loins, took about 2 hours. We then we removed both kidneys and a piece of liver for the DOW. I then reached up inside the lung cavity and removed the heart. With the coyotes yipping and yowling in the distance, I knew the carcass wasn’t going to be around long. We set the quarters on the plastic bags, on top of the tarp, on top of the trailer, to cool in the night air. I folded the hide onto itself so that it wouldn’t dry out, after it had relinquished all body heat, and put it in a plastic bag. I did the same with the head, and, finished by tagging the hind quarter that had the identification of sex. It was 11:30 – time to eat some dinner and go to bed.

The sun shining bright, but still cool, we cooked a victory breakfast and packed up camp. After dropping off the head, etc., with the DOW in Walden, we drove home through forests of changing aspen leaves. The boys helped me carry the moose coolers onto the back porch Sunday evening, and, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I butchered my moose into steaks, roasts, and ground. All I need to do now is wait for the chronic wasting disease (CWD) results to come back, and I can then feast on my once-in-a-lifetime moose.

My trophy.

 

 

Roid Rage: Spring Turkey 2011

I successfully drew a tag for the Purgatoire Ranch RFW (Ranching for Wildlife) Spring Turkey season in 2011. This was at least 4 years in the making, as my buddy Matt Cosley and I have been trying to successfully hunt turkeys. However, it always seemed that the only turkeys in the woods every spring were dressed in camouflage and named Matt and Leif.


A month or so prior to the hunting trip, though, I was worried. I wasn’t worried about my gear – I had accumulated plenty of turkey calls, camouflage clothing, a decoy, and had watched hours and hours of turkey hunting shows. I’d been to a turkey hunting seminar and talked with people who had successfully hunted turkey in Colorado. I wasn’t worried about my shooting ability, I shoot skeet and my record is 75-straight (without a miss). However, turkey hunting is typically like aiming like you would a rifle – but I wasn’t worried about that – I had shot targets with my 7mm RUM out to 960 yards. No, my worries were a little closer to home; a lot closer. My problems were internal. Well, they were external. I think more that it was something external that should be internal.

Now, when you have a combination of heat, sweat, friction, and hair, on a daily basis, and something that is even more unpleasant than that introduced to that environment at least once or twice a day, something is bound to go wrong occasionally. Often that “wrong” can be an itch. Now, none of us like to admit it, but, we’ve all experienced an itch in those nether-regions. Usually it goes away after a few days without having to do much on our part. Maybe we shower a little more (morning and evening, and maybe at lunch if we’re so lucky), maybe we have other coping skills, but typically it doesn’t turn into a problem.

I wasn’t so lucky, and it wasn’t going away. That hole of mine was clean as a whistle; spotless. So, I thought maybe I needed to do something more. I found a “Two Week Organic Cleanse” where I was taking supplements 3 times a day for a fortnight. Activity increased, to say the least, but at the end of it, I still had a nagging issue.

“Fine,” I thought. I had three weeks before I was going turkey hunting. “I’ll take care of this: Neosporin!” So, one night before I went to bed, after my nightly shower, I applied a dab to my finger, and, well, applied it to the affected area and crawled between the sheets.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!! I woke up at 5:00 in the morning and it felt like fire ants had found their arch-enemy in my event horizon! I jumped out of bed and hobbled to the bathroom. Hobbled because I’m also experiencing plantar fasciitus in my left foot and, if you’ve ever had it, you know that the first step out of bed in the morning just about makes you cry. Talk about a double-whammy! I grabbed some toilet paper and desperately tried to wipe the Neosporin off my balloon-knot. If I had some coarse-grit sandpaper, I would have gladly used that as well! Next was a hop in the shower with my favorite friend: a Dial Unscented Anti-bacterial Soap Bar. Then out of the shower and one leg up on the bathroom counter, one on the floor, and the hairdryer was set on low, pointed directly at an area that I seldom see. But the itching and burning still persisted. I simply squatted and cradled my head in my hands, not sure what to do, which is where Audrey found me as she sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes.

“What’s wrong, Leif?”

“I think I need to go to the store and get something.”

“What do you need to get, and why?”

I’m not one to use euphemisms, typically, unless I’m writing for a public audience, so I explained in very coarse terms what my problem was. She asked what I was going to get. I replied that I didn’t know, but, I was going to get something! Thankfully our local super market was open, and, there weren’t many people shopping at 5:30 in the morning. I found the section in the pharmaceutical isle where you don’t want your friends or neighbors to walk up to you and ask you how you’re doing, only to see that can of jock-itch spray hurriedly passing from the shelf to your hand to your cart. I found the tube Preparation-H Maximum Strength, and some Tuck’s medicated wipes. I figured that was a good place to start. I also bought a Guns and Ammo magazine to put over the top of the items in my basket, just in case I did encounter someone I knew on my way to the checkout counter.

Thankfully the self-checkout was empty, and I was able to get right through. I contemplated applying the cream in the parking lot (inside my truck) but, I really didn’t want anyone calling the cops for suspicious activity, so, I desperately waited out the stoplight preventing me from leaving the parking lot before I raced home. Well, I didn’t speed, as I didn’t want to have to explain to the cops that I was going mach-10 because my ass was on fire.

Ahh – blessed relief! Well, not really, but it subsided to a dull roar. While I was waiting for the smoldering ruins to die down, I researched “anal itching” on the internet. I learned two basic things: 60% of people experience it constantly (!) and that it could be caused by Pin Worms or Hemorrhoids. Pin Worms typically wiggle their way outside of your sphincter in the early morning and lay eggs in the folds of skin around the sphincter. How the worms know when it is morning, and how they know their way around when spelunking in your colon is probably going to be a topic of a doctoral thesis someday. The hatching eggs make everything itch.

Pin Worms? Early morning itching? What-what-in-my-butt? I was starting to freak out! Okay… what was the other one? Hemorrhoids? Let’s look and see what the symptoms are of that. Apparently if you push/strain too hard to evacuate your system, you can push the hemorrhoid tissue (which is the tissue/veins just inside your brown eye) out and make it exposed. I didn’t know what that meant or what that looked like, so, I did an image search. Wow… you could write horror movies for a lifetime based on the images shown. It’s worse than using Google image search for “Blue waffle.”

So, I guess I had to do a little investigation. It was early morning still, and Audrey had gone back to sleep. I went up to the bedroom and turned on the bathroom light. I bent over in front of the mirror (with my back to the mirror) and spread my cheeks. I haven’t done that since I was signing up for the Marines and was in MEPS. Except then it was kind of funny to have the doctor walk down the aisle with his flashlight looking up your crevice. But trying to do it yourself? I was dearly praying that Audrey would not wake up and see me all bent-over double straining my neck trying to get a good look at my mangina. The light really wasn’t bright enough to see much, so I grabbed Audrey’s magnifying lighted mirror and duck-waddled until it was in the right position to get a good view of my cornhole. Checking out my pow-pow, sure enough, there, on the south side of my chocolate-starfish, was a bump. Thank GOD, no pinworms! I probed all around it with my fingers, without touching it. No problem. I touched the bump. The itching that ensued made me want to grab the closest Brillo pad and go to town on my frosting bag.

After it calmed down, and applying much more Maximum strength Prep-H, I was able to go back to bed. After waking up, I made an appointment with a proctologist. But they are now called colo-rectal surgeons. Whatever. I just wanted someone to check it out and make it go away. I initially made an appointment with a guy who seemed especially talented… graduated from John’s Hopkins, was president of the Colorado chapter for guys who professionally look at buttholes, etc. But, it was going to be a couple of weeks because he was moving offices. So I searched for someone who could see me sooner. I found a guy, Dr. Buttlooker (or something like that), and I perused his website. It looked like he could see patients, and so could his assistant, an attractive redhead.

Talking with Monica, I made an appointment with the Doctor. She suggested that I could get in sooner if I wanted to see the highly trained cute redhead. I declined. I mean, back in my single days, if I was close enough with a cute redhead that she was in a position to see the ejection port of my poop-chute, that was one thing, but to have it examined by such a creature when I had a dingleberry hanging out the south end… well, I just didn’t want to go there. I decided that I could wait a little longer for Dr. I.C. Butts.

That night, before walking the dogs, I gave an extra wipe with the Tucks medicated pads. But my entire walk felt like there was something hanging halfway out – as if I didn’t wipe good enough after my last time on the royal throne. But as I stated before, this wasn’t the issue. The dogs got a short walk as I had to take another shower, apply more cream, and go to bed.

OH MY DEAR GOD AND ALL THE SAINTS!!! What is it with waking up at 5:00 in the morning with your bunghole feeling like a raisin in the sun, but with a magnifying glass directing the sun’s beam to a fine point, igniting the cinnamon bark sprinkled with cayenne pepper attacked by a million mosquitoes? I resisted the urge to dig my fingernails into the business end of my used-food-tube, squeezed out a half-tube of Prep-H cream, and applied it where the sun doesn’t shine. I then hopped on the internet to see what else I was missing in my treatment of this miniature pea-sized-itch-pod hanging out on my south end.

I gleaned four things from my research. I was off, again, pre-rush-hour in Highlands Ranch, to get Benadryl, Epson Salt, Hydrocortisol (Aveeno) cream, and BeneFiber packets. This time I went to Walgreens. There was no self checkout, but, the contents of my basket were pretty inconspicuous, and the clerks there never ask you about your purchases. My ass was in the bathtub as soon as I could strip off my clothes, with 2 cups of Epson Salt slowly dissolving. Ahh… blessed relief.

Later that day I called Matt to tell him about my situation. He was wonderfully supportive. I could practically hear him laughing from his office across town without the use of my iPhone. He then asked me if he needed to do anything on our turkey hunt, because if he had to wipe me, that was a deal breaker. I assured him that I wouldn’t need him to perform any immoral acts, at least where my slot machine was concerned.

Quadrupling my fiber intake, 2-3 baths daily, wipes with Tucks (with Witch Hazel), and extra strength Prep-H cream seemed to be working. By the time my doctor’s appointment came around, there was no itch, there was no bump. Thankfully everything was back to normal. Or, at least I assumed that it was, but, I wanted to get the doctor’s A-OK. I have an aunt and an uncle that had diverticulitis, and another uncle with anal polyps. These things I do not choose and I wanted to ensure everything was ‘normal.’ I don’t want to put that part of my body through any more abuse than absolutely necessary, but getting things checked out was a high enough priority that I would struggle through the examination.

On the day of the examination, I let my colleagues know that I would be out for a little awhile for a doctor’s appt. I didn’t feel the need, just yet, to tell them why I would be out. There are some things that just aren’t appropriate to share, at least until they get posted on my blog. Then everyone can read it and laugh, cry, or stop reading. But I am sure that even the best of you are still reading to this point because of the sheer horror of it all. Or, if you’re female and reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, Leif, we go through this type of discomfort every time we go in for a pap smear.” Okay, you have me there, but at least after a while I imagine you get used to it. Or, something like that.

Freshly showered, I made my way to the Doctor’s office and checked in with Monica. In the waiting room was a woman sitting with her legs crossed, putting most of her weight on one side. No pressure directly on her seat. She was eventually called in, and through the door from the hallway came a gentleman, who was mentally handicapped in some form or fashion. Following was his assistant. He was called before me back to the examination room. I was just fine with that. It seemed that I was to be the last appointment for the day.

Monica eventually called my name, and instructed me to follow the beautiful tall statuesque blonde back to the examination room. I’m sure she told me her name, and I’m sure my brain didn’t register the information. I followed numbly and she pointed me in the direction of the examination room. I sat down in a chair, and she said she would be with me in just a few minutes.

In front of me was obviously the examination table. There was a small padded area that I could see that one would probably put their knees on, and be able to lean forward onto the rest of the examination table. That feeling in my stomach was starting to knot up. I suddenly remembered a hundred places that I’d rather be.

Almost more disconcerting was the fact that I could hear the entire conversation going on between what I believed to be the doctor, and the mentally challenged (mild Down’s Syndrome, I believe) patient in the next room. The doctor spoke in a loud voice, and the gentleman was speaking equally loud. Great. He was being told to do this, do that, turn over on his stomach because the doctor needed to check out his… well, you get the picture. Then the Tall Statuesque Blonde (TSB from now on) came in to interview me. What happened, why I thought it was a hemorrhoid, what have I done about it so far, etc. Trying to talk to this TSB about my brownie factory was not the easiest conversation to have. I was looking around for a place to order a beer, as I’m sure some liquid courage might make the topic more palatable. No such luck. Not even medicinal brandy. So I suffered through the interview, trying to look calm, cool, and collected, as if I have this kind of conversation every day. She smiled and nodded and tried to look at me sympathetically with her big blue eyes. It didn’t work. Maybe I should have followed the path of Charlie Brown, and would have been better off with the cute red-headed girl.

The doctor came in next and reviewed with me the answers I gave to TSB. He essentially wanted to know why I was there if I didn’t have anything wrong with my mud-whistle. I told him that because I did have something wrong, I wanted him to check it out and give me two thumbs-up.

TSB then walked in and gave me instructions: Put my knees up on the pad, drop my pants and underwear down past my crack, and she then handed me a gauze sheet that I could use to maintain my privacy. Privacy? What privacy? Oh, well, they did make sure that my back was facing towards the door, so that any other patient walking by when the doctor or TSB opened the door wouldn’t see my humiliating position.

I climbed up on to the knee-pad, dropped my drawers and put the gauze sheet on. TSB came in and laughed. That is the last sound you want to hear, as a man, when you have your pants down in front of a woman. She then asked, “playing Superman?” as I had one end of the gauze sheet wrapped around my neck, hanging on my back. But, it apparently didn’t cover the area where the good Lord split me. She told me to bend over the table and she pulled the sheet lower down on my back. I rested my hands on my elbows. I had to maintain some control. She told me to lower my elbows and lay my cheek down on the pad, angling downward away from the highest point. I felt like I was at a 45” angle, my moon-pie angled high in the air. She then left the room to get the doctor. No control.

I heard the knock and he came in. He said something. My mind was focused on something else. Mostly about why I was there when there was nothing wrong. I was hoping that TSB wasn’t in the room. I couldn’t turn around and look.

“I’m going to first put a 1-inch scope up your rectum to check for any abnormalities.” I then heard the squelch of the anal-lube being squeezed out onto his finger, I felt one hand on my left cheek, and he said, “Now just take some deep breaths.” At least he was kind enough to lube the cavity first.

His finger then slipped into the heart of darkness. “Oh, fantastic, absolutely fantastic,” I said as I felt his finger go around in circles. “Does this hurt?” “No, Doc, it’s just uncomfortable.” “Uncomfortable?” “Yeah,” I responded, pulling out a Kevin Smith line, “like having sex in the back of a Volkswagen.”

I then heard TSB laugh. Great – she was in the room? That made it even better. He withdrew his fist, er, I mean, finger, and I wondered if he was going to lower the privacy gauze. Not a chance. I puckered my brown eye, trying to make it wink. I mean, what else was there to do? If she had some Corona to ease the tension, she could use my last-resort bottle opener that was staring her in the face. I tried to think up all the clever lines I’d ever heard about other people going through this, and maybe make up some of my own.

Next I felt an object trying to work its way into my wormhole. It was the unholy union of one man’s anus and another man’s tool. “Oh, yeah, this is great.” “Are you okay?” “Well, Doc, this usually only happens to me when I’m drunk.” Another laugh from TSB. At least she was enjoying the commentary, and maybe she was enjoying the show. What the hell, I’d go for effect, “Doc, I said I wanted two thumbs up, not two thumbs up the butt.” I couldn’t see his face, but the nervous laughter from TSB made me wonder if maybe I was pushing my limits.

I then assumed the anal-probe was done, but, as he withdrew (was that the sound of a trap door snapping shut?), he said, “Next I’ll check your prostate.” Again with the finger! Then his wrist. Then the elbow deep inside the border line. I coughed as he tickled the back of my throat. Was that his bicep and tricep? Shoulder? I’ve never stuck my finger up my butt and coughed, but I wondered what kind of reaction happens down there, as he jumped a little with the explosion from my throat. “Everything okay?” he asked me. “Well, Doc, I’m bent over a table with my ass in the air and a man’s appendage up my butt. You tell me.” At least TSB enjoyed my humor, but I think I’ll keep my day job.

He pulled his arm out and dropped the gauze privacy screen over my manhole cover. He came around to the front as he was removing the examination gloves. Eww. I mean, really, did he need to show me that? TSB handed me some paper towels and he told me to go into the bathroom adjacent to the examination room and told me to clean up, then lie on my back with my pants undone and my shirt up, as there was evidently another procedure he needed to perform. Did I really ask for this?

They left the room and let pull up my shorts in peace. Not quite feeling violated, but feeling something, I wasn’t looking forward to the next step in the process. Walking into the bathroom, I read the sign above the toilet: “Flush more, use less toilet paper.” I wasn’t about to be the guy to clog the toilet. Plus, there was a door on the other wall opposite the one I came through. It was slightly cracked, and, I could hear women talking and giggling on the other side of it. Was I supposed to close the door or leave it cracked like it was? Was I supposed to close the door I just came through? That I did, but, I didn’t do anything about the slip-slidey feeling between my cheeks. I would take care of that later, in private, where I wouldn’t have to worry about TSB walking in on me as I’m wiping butt-slime off on yards of toilet paper.

The doctor walked in without knocking, and he caught me standing up, nonchalantly leaning against the examination table. It took awhile for him to come in… I guess he was waiting for the sound of the toilet to flush. He motioned for me to get up on the examination table. He pulled up my shirt. “Help! I need an adult!” He just smiled. I’m sure he’s heard every line in the book. He tapped my stomach in four places, asking me if anyone of the places hurt when he tapped. I was guessing he was checking for blockages in the large intestine. No pain, just a hollow sound every time he tapped. He said I was normal to near-normal, then handed me a sheet of paper that listed all the high-fiber foods known to man and told me to keep up the high-fiber diet and come back when I turn 40 for a colonoscopy. I would be sure to put that high up on my priority list…

With a clean bill of health from the Doctor, the day finally came to leave for Turkey hunting. This time Matt drove his Dodge 2500, the “Meat Wagon.” It has a few missing parts from the undercarriage when he decided to play Dukes of Hazzard and fly off an icy road down an embankment, the right-side fan in the cab only works if you are accelerating, the electronic door locks didn’t work, and it’s as noisy as the La Guardia tarmac on Monday morning. It may not be the newest or shiniest truck on the road, but it has never let us down in the field. We loaded up our gear into the back and headed to La Junta, which is about an hour and a half east of Pueblo, CO.

I told him about my recent violation. He was as sympathetic as before, maybe even more so. At least his laughter was partially-drowned out by the sound of the wind streaming in through all the holes in the cab. At the McDonalds in Pueblo, I ordered a salad. I poured a packet of Bene-Fiber in my iced tea. I didn’t think there would be any end to the grief I received as a result.

Finally arriving in La Junta, we checked in to the Super 8 and asked Brandy where the best place was to eat. She recommended a joint called “Boss Hogg’s” steak house. Good enough for us. I had (another) salad and the cheese-steak sandwich with marinara sauce drizzled over it. Matt had the same without the sauce. We compared notes and decided that was a draw as to which one tasted better.

The next morning was an early one. We had to be out of there by 4:30 to meet the hunt coordinator, Jay, in Kim, CO (yes, the town’s name is Kim). I asked Brandy how long it took to get from La Junta to Kim. She indicated she had only been to Kim once, and that it was at night, and both she and the driver were drunk as skunks, and it was when she was 18, so, she guessed 20 – 30 minutes. My Google Maps directions indicated it was about an hour. I trusted Google Maps’ estimations more than Brandy’s drunken recollections (she looked like she was in her late 20s).

We arrived in Kim just a little after 5:30, after passing deer, elk, and antelope along the road. No wonder its called Animas County. Matt pulled up to a likely vehicle where Jay told us to meet him. We powered down the windows and made introductions. He told us to follow him, and off we went on a dirt road south and west of Kim. I didn’t recognize the area from the maps I had studied, but I guessed that Jay knew where he was going.

After driving for 30 minutes, he pulled over and we pulled up next to him. He asked if I wanted to ride with him, so he could tell me about the land, the type of hunting that we should expect, what the boundaries were of that section of the ranch, etc. It was a lot of information to digest. Pulling in on a dirt road, he pulled off to the side and pointed out some bear tracks – the bear had been walking in the road, and Jay reckoned that it was a 200-250 lb black bear. Stopping at an overlook, he indicated that we would be able to look over the roosting tree. Sure enough, as we walked up to the edge, about a half-mile away, through binoculars, we could see turkeys walking around the base of a large cottonwood. Jay explained that the tree was on someone else’s land, but that he could set us up close to where they might cross the fence, walking through a creek bottom. He then indicated that I could either hunt, or, we could go see other options about where to hunt. I told him that I wanted to hunt. Apparently I was emphatic in my response, as he chuckled and we ventured down towards the creek bottom. He drove us up to just about where the creek flowed into the ranch land, and pointed out where the turkeys might cross, where to set up, etc. He then said he would meet us back there between 10 and 11 to get us set up for the afternoon hunt. It wasn’t my intention to stay there long enough to “afternoon hunt” – I wanted to get a turkey that morning. I thanked him for guiding us to the right spot, and hopped in Matt’s truck. He wished me good luck and went back to go help guide another hunter on a different section of the ranch.

I gave Matt the skinny as I guided him back to where Jay told us where to park. We grabbed our gear and made our way over to the creek bottom. I sat in a shooting lane that would give us plenty of cover for any turkey walking down the dry creek bed, and both Matt and I got out our turkey calls.

The box-call came out first. We chucked and scraped it with precision, and early on we heard an answer to the north (the roosting tree was to the south) so we took that as a good sign that there were more turkeys on the property than just the ones we saw from the overlook. But after awhile with no further answers, I switched to my disk call, and also popped in my mouth call. No response came from anywhere. So, we ventured up and out of the cover we were in to go see where the turkeys were. Maybe they saw us. We saw that the turkeys were heading to the west, not crossing onto the property at all. They started climbing up a hill, one after another. Well, crap. Then they were gone, and try as we might, they would not answer our calls, purrs, clucks, or gobbles.

Breakfast time! Cold Popeye’s chicken awaited us back at the truck, but we decided to walk along the creek bed as far as it would take us paralleling the parked truck. We would walk 10-20 yards, make what we thought were turkey hen noises, then walk another short distance and do the same. But, it was all for naught, and we found ourselves meandering back to the truck. It was a familiar walk… we had been walking back to the various vehicles empty handed for four years straight. But just because it was familiar didn’t mean that I didn’t feel a little dejected. Looking on the positive side, though, at least we saw, and heard, turkeys. Never before had we even gotten that far.

As I was tearing into a drumstick, Matt asked, from the driver’s seat, “What’s that?” I looked up, and here were two black bowling balls, 60 yards out, making their way through the sagebrush. Turkey!

I had left my door open, and my Winchester Ranger 12-Gauge Model 140 with full choke outside, just in case something like this happened. When hunting, one never knows when opportunity meets preparation. I carefully snaked my way out of the door and low crawled to my shotgun, which was leaning against the side of the truck, and upon grabbing it, I moved into position near the right front side of wheel well. I couldn’t see the turkeys, but I knew they were headed our direction. Matt, from the cab, in a projected whisper, gave me the blow by blow. “Forty yards, coming our way, thirty-five, they both look like hens, thirty yards, wait, one might be a tom, 25 yards, get ready.” Then silence fell over the scene, not wanting to risk the sound of his voice disturbing the forward motion of the noble bird once nominated to represent our country.

At about twenty yards I could see them start making their way out of the sagebrush. They then walked past my field of vision without me determining which one was the tom. I scooted slightly to the right to get them back in view. The turkeys paused, and the tom stuck its blue head up. I could see the beard clearly, so I put the front bead just below its head and squeezed the trigger. With the sound of the primer igniting the gunpowder, and the number 4 shot pattern leaving the barrel, my four year quest ended with a flurry of flapping feathers beating the ground. The hen took one last look at her mate and ran as fast as fast could be, leaving the scene of carnage and destruction.

Matt congratulated me as we walked over to the tom. Picking it up by the neck, below what was left of the head, he flapped a mean rhythm against my legs. I wanted a picture but Matt suggested that I finish the kill first. He handed me a knife and I shoved it through the cranium from the gullet, and all motions from the bird ceased. Who needs to set out decoys when we have the Meat Wagon!

I said a prayer thanking the bird for coming my way, and tagging and bagging it, we drove back to where we said we would meet Jay between 10 and 11. It was 8:15.

At 11:15, with no Jay in sight, we left the ranch. When I received a cell signal, I called his cell to let him know not to come to the ranch – we wouldn’t be there. We also left a note on the entrance gate, telling him we had left, plus a note of thanks. We drove back to the hotel, picked up more provisions, and took off to an area west of Pueblo to try our luck with a turkey for Matt.

Arriving at the hunting area, about 2:00, we hiked up into the trees to find more Merriam’s turkeys. But, all we heard was the rustling around of something large in the valley below us. We were in bear country, and, the last thing we wanted to do was disturb the ursa. So we made our way back down to flatter, grassier country and made our way to what we thought looked promising. We were hunting this area based on a tip from my chiropractor, but we weren’t quite sure exactly where to go. Our attempts at finding turkey that afternoon were largely in vain. None answered to our calls; we didn’t find any turkey feathers, tracks, or other signs. At 6:00 it started raining, so we hopped back in the truck and headed back down the road. Along the way we saw a hen, and stopped to hunt the nearby State Wildlife Area, to no avail. We did, however, spot a herd of elk, which is always a great sight to see (unless you live in the mountains and they are tearing up your garden).

Back to Pueblo, we had a victory dinner at the Texas Road House, and then back to the La Junta Super 8. The next morning, Matt decided that, as we had already spent about $150 each (hotel, food, gas), and he could buy a turkey in the supermarket for $20 or less, we could just head home and try our luck the following year.

The best thing about the hunt, outside of getting a turkey, was the fact that I was slowly regaining my dignity. There was no twitching from the itching, nor squirming from the burning. It was all good, in all departments. Plus, Matt didn’t need to “help” me out with anything. There are some experiences that you just don’t want to share with your friends.

A Tale of Two, I mean Six, Antelope

“Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a rifle that never misses.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was a hunt of wisdom, it was a hunt of foolishness, it was the epoch of adventure, it was the epoch of misadventure, it was the season of sunshine (and Antelope), it was the season of and rain, it was the dawning of hope, it was the night of despair, in short, we had prairie and pine before us, we had piles of happiness behind us, and some of the noisiest authorities insisted on our adventure being had, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.


Matt and I were lucky enough to draw doe antelope tags for a Ranching for Wildlife hunt in Northwest Colorado. Additionally, I had four antelope tags for Wyoming for the same weekend. That meant that if successful, we would be coming home with six antelope all-together. I felt as if I were recalled to life, anticipating the upcoming hunt, the first high-powered rifle hunt of the 2010 season.

We left on a Friday afternoon, and I had spent a lot of time getting my “get-unstuck” gear loaded in the back of my F150. Matt arrived just in time to not help me load any equipment, but made sure to hand me all of his heavy packs and stuff to stow in back of my pickup. A quick stop at the local grocery store, and we were on our way.

Our initial destination was near Craig, CO, a 4-hour drive from Highlands Ranch (on a good day). As it was early October, and there was yet to be any snow, it was a beautiful afternoon drive over the mountains and into the high desert of northwest Colorado. We stopped in Craig to get a bite to eat at the OP, one of the several bar and grill establishments. Afterwards, we needed to find the place where we would be checking in to the 4 Mile Ranch. Our plan was to camp near the check-in on some BLM land.

After we found the check in, the clouds opened up. The previously dry roads became slick as snot from a two-year-olds runny nose. I carefully crept my way to an area just north of the check-in and parked the truck. Debating whether to set up a tent, or, just sleep in the truck, we opted for simply laying across the seats. I took the back seat, Matt took the front seat, and by 10:00 we were sawing logs.

At 1:00 AM, Matt started coughing. At 1:30, Matt was still coughing. He couldn’t go 5 seconds without small or large explosions coming from throat. I thought about what there was to help him stop. His .44 Magnum came to mind. I offered to drive back into Craig to find a convenience store to get some cough drops. He assured me that a midnight venture wasn’t necessary. But his coughing continued. I offered again. He declined the offer, and asked me if I had anything in the truck. Finally, after rummaging around in my glove compartment, we found some Certs breath-mints. That seemed to help, and in three hours we awoke to the sound of Matt’s iPhone alarm.

Slip-sliding away from the ‘camp’ site, we arrived at the check-in around 5:30. The guy assigned to tell people where to hunt told us to wait until 6:00, so I chatted with a former Navy Air Controller and we swapped stories of our lives and times in the control chair as I drank coffee I had brewed before the trip (I was shocked that they didn’t have coffee at check-in).

At 6:00, the hunt master told us how the hunt was going to proceed. We were supposed to drive up to the property near the Wyoming border, being assigned a quarter-mile strip of land, either north or south from the road cutting through the property, on which we could hunt. Hunters were assigned a spot all along the quarter-mile stretch of road, told not to shoot east/west if you could help it, and that we would find antelope between the road and the edge of the property. Next, we were ordered not to start hunting until 8:00 AM, to give all the hunters time to get to their assigned stretch and set up.

Wow… really? This did not seem like ideal hunting conditions at all. It was like a pheasant drive, except for antelope, and we didn’t have blockers on the other side. We at least asked if we could simply check-out over the phone after we were done. I didn’t want to have to drive all the way back to Craig, then turn around and drive all the way back to the WY border. Permission was granted to simply call in the statistics, so we donned the special black and white-checked arm bands (that indicated we had permission to hunt on this private land) and took off towards the border.

We parked at the first quarter-mile mark across from a father, his wife, his daughter, and his daughter’s fiancé. They all had tags, and, as we swapped hunting stories, we saw that on ‘their’ side of the property a herd of antelope appeared at 600 yards. It was 7:40. As it was a good-sized herd (9+), I asked if we could join them in pursuit (and let them fill their tags first) before Matt and I shot. They agreed, as, ‘our’ side lacked any visible antelope.

At 8:00, we started across the flat sagebrush towards the antelope. They were close to 1000 yards away by that time, and although I could have dialed in the distance on my Huskemaw scope, I didn’t want to shoot just my antelope and have the rest of the herd run off the edge of the property to the south. We chased them (antelope have excellent eyesight and you need to use any land features available to sneak closer) for a little while until they went over a far ridge-line. I thanked them for the initial opportunity, and Matt and I headed back to our side. We weren’t sure what the terrain was over the following bluff where the antelope ran, and, I spotted some hunters from the next quarter-mile section heading in the same direction as the hunters with whom we gave chase. Nope… way too many people chasing that herd. No part of me wanted to play with high-velocity projectiles. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet and I understand that bullets don’t taste all that great. I’d rather that the antelope eat lead.

Back at the truck, the sun was bright and the temperature was increasing, so we took off some layers and re-assessed our options. Our plan of attack would be to walk due north towards the Little Snake River to see what we could see. The rancher had indicated that the antelope run east and west along the river, and that eventually an opportunity would be had. Our options scarce, we headed north.

The terrain was fairly level (slight downhill angle) until the landscape scaled down towards the river valley – an elevation drop of a few hundred feet, sloping down at a 20-degree angle. Approaching this drop, a herd of antelope became visible. I immediately took a knee and motioned Matt to do the same. Low-crawling to his position, I illustrated the layout of what I saw. We low-crawled to the edge of the drop-off and assessed the situation. There were 5 antelope – 2 bucks and 3 does. Perfect. We both had doe tags, and, the adrenaline started pumping. This is the moment that all hunters feel the most alive – yes, we all like getting together and doing the male-bonding, sharing stories, BS-ing, etc., but this exact moment, the blood pumping, heart-pounding anticipation, knowing the quarry was within reach, that the shots are imminent, this is the height of our adventure.

Yes, I do understand that it was just a few hours after sun up on opening day. It’s not as if we had been hunting for days on end and it was the last hour of the last day and the magic animal displayed itself before us. There are some hunters who think, “If it’s not hard, it’s not hunting.” Okay… whatever. If I can get an animal opening morning, perfect! If I happen to spot an animal close to the road as I’m driving on hunt-able land, I’m not going to think to my self, “no, that’s too easy. I’ll wait for something harder.” There has to be someone to pick the low-hanging fruit. I mean, I’ll be that guy who is out in the field long after everyone else has gone home, if there is any shred of hope that I just might find an animal to make a stalk on. I’ll hunt as hard as it takes to make the magic happen

We both sight in on our antelope. But my sling becomes wrapped around my bipod (unbeknownst to me). I have to make an adjustment and scoot forward to clear my rifle over the edge of the slope. Matt has already taken a knee and is graciously waiting for me to get set up. But as I’m scooting forward, somehow my sling catches on something else and the front pin holding the loop on the sling on the sling-swivels snaps. I don’t notice. I take a range. 270-yards. I dial in my Huskemaw scope, attached to my 7mm RUM Sendero, and put the cross-hairs on the neck of a likely doe. Matt signals me that he’s ready, and I squeeze the trigger, sending my 180-grain Berger bullet flying. A second shot follows, and there are two antelope lying down in the field below.

Matt and I smile at each other and fist-bump in celebration. I try to lift my rifle to my shoulder and the sling slips out of the front swivel. Not again! Well, last time, it was the rear swivel that pulled out of the stock. Matt and I search around for something to secure my sling to the stock. Of course, Matt walks over to the barbed-wire fence near us, takes out his multi-tool, and snips off a length of barbed wire. “Here, this will work.” It did work, actually, after we removed the “barb” and twisted the wire between the swivel and the sling.

We quartered my antelope first, after traditional prayers and tobacco, thanking the animal for its sacrifice, giving thanks for the hunt, companionship, the meat, etc. This small ceremony follows every time an animal falls from my smoking barrel. There was no meat wasted, as the neck was obliterated, and I packed all the quarters in my backpack. We next went over the Matt’s antelope and did the same, except his backpack wouldn’t fit all the quarters. He had to carry his remaining hind quarter. Also, as we were quartering, we heard some shots over to the west of us, where the rest of the herd went after we took our share. Although we couldn’t see the antelope from where we were, it was still a little close for comfort. We finished as quickly as possible.

The hill that we walked down towards the river seemed steeper on the way back up. But at least we knew that there was only one incline section and from there it was a gentle slope back to the truck. The wire holding my sling together dug into my shoulder, no matter on which side I had the rifle. I would have to remember to try to fix that before our next jaunt. The best of intentions, but, I knew that it probably wouldn’t happen until we got home from our trip. I was right.

Antelope loaded in the cooler, we drove out of the hunting area on a golden thread of a road, and called the rancher to let him know our success. We then called Kaoru to share our success, and had a deep and meaningful conversation. He told us congratulations and asked if we needed anything from Cabela’s (he had driven to Grand Junction from Denver). Matt told him he needed a 30-footer. Kaoru asked if that was the length of enema tube that Matt needed. Matt responded that it was the length of the pump he needed for certain body parts.

We were now on our way to Wyoming, because I had 4 antelope tags in my pocket, dying to be filled. Our destination was along the miracle mile, where we intended to hunt and fish. We stopped at our turnoff from I-80, near Sinclair, and tried to get a fishing license from the gas station. They said that we needed to go to the bar in town. So we went to the bar and eventually the woman behind the bar asked us what we’d like. She hadn’t heard of a drink called “Fishing License” but if we told her what was in it, she could make it. Yeah… We eventually found out that we could backtrack 40 miles to another town and get a license. Thanking her, we headed for the antelope hunting area, deciding that after I fill my licenses, the fishing permits would be an option.

It was beautiful country traveling along the series of lakes and river that make up the “miracle mile” (which is more like 8 miles). Arriving at the hunting are, I asked Matt if he’d like to go set up camp now, or, go shoot something. Duh. It was a decision that would haunt us later. Driving to an area by large power poles / power plant, we started some spot and stalk hunting. It wasn’t long before we came across a herd of antelope. I readied my rifle and took a measurement. 450-yards. 20 mph wind. No problem. However, I laid my cross hairs on the shoulder of the antelope, and a power line cut straight across the view. It’s likely that the bullet would go right over the power line, due to ballistic dynamics of the object in flight. However, I didn’t want to risk it, and tried to reposition myself. That was it. The antelope had enough of those guys playing in the dirt and took off over the bluff. Matt and I reached the top of the bluff, and they were gone. You’ll never outrun an antelope.

We looked around at other areas, but, decided that we should go somewhere else. So we headed east and drove to another area where the landscape was largely flat, except being cut by gullies and slight weaves in terra firma. Driving in on a dirt road, it made some cuts on cow trails, and led to a relatively high point. Extremely relative – I had to stand up on my seat and look out over the roof to get any kind of view. I looked to the sky – it seemed that we were on the track of a storm. Matt was busy getting ready when I spotted a herd of antelope cutting up a gulley, about 1000 yards away. “Antelope - that direction!” He asked “where?” as he grabbed his binoculars.

I pointed in the general direction. He couldn’t see them. I said, “That’s okay, I know where they are, let’s go.” Matt told me to go ahead; he would continue to get ready. I didn’t even have a jacket on, or my pack. I had my rifle, and it was about an hour from total darkness. I did, though, have my GPS and I marked the location of the truck, so in case Matt and I were stumbling around in the dark, we could find our way back in the nondescript featureless flatland.

Matt caught up to me about 200 yards later, and I pointed in the direction I’d last seen the prairie goats. They were on the move, but they weren’t spooked. I’m sure they were just looking for somewhere to get out of the rain as much as possible. However, when we arrived at the gulley I’d seen them sneaking through, they were nowhere to be found. Matt spotted an antelope buck standing up about 300 yards away, and suggested we walk towards the buck and see if we came across the herd. Sure enough, it wasn’t more than 30 yards when the herd we were after was spotted lying down on the opposite side of a small crest of hill. Matt and I took a knee. I zeroed in on the back of the head of an antelope looking away from me, and squeezed the trigger. One down, three to go. The rest of the herd bunched up and started running away. I swung on another doe and squeezed the trigger. Mid-leap, the antelope crumbled to the ground. Two down. Cycling the bolt, I swung on a 3rd antelope, but decided in that split second that two was plenty to try and process before dark, and by the looks of it, we would be processing without the aid of sunlight, and maybe in the rain. I made the rifle safe and we headed back towards the truck. We found a two-track that headed in the direction of the antelope, which made the carry-out easier.

We decided that we’d quarter the antelope in the hunting area, at the crossroads where all I’d have to do is take a left and head out of the section of BLM land. So down went the tailgate, down dropped the sun, and down came the torrential rain. I found my poncho, and Matt and I got to work. After about an hour of quartering on my tailgate (everything takes longer in the dark) we had both animals cut up and we were on our way to the camping area.

Of course, we didn’t have a nice warm, dry tent. Something about going hunting instead of setting up camp… We found a nice place by the river and started setting up the tent in the rain, in the dark, by the light of the truck headlights. Wet, muddy, bloody, and haggard, our cots were set up in the tent, and it was time for dinner. Cold Popeye’s fried chicken for dinner, and then it was dream time. Matt was thoughtful enough to buy some Nyquil to quell his cough.

When we awoke, the sun was warm on the tent roof and walls. Ahh – nice. We emerged to see a bright sun-shiney day. Time to fire up the camp stove and make some bacon and eggs. That would have been fantastic, if I’d remembered the stove. This realization of the forgotten stove only made me want it more. But, granola bars and cold chicken would have to suffice.

With breakfast over, our gear cleaned and stowed away from last nights butchering, we went in search of two more antelope. Again we tried the area by the power plant, to no avail, so we decided to drive towards the area where we found that herd last night. However, on our way, we happened across a couple of antelope minding their own business. I checked the map and it happened to be BLM land. Sweet! Matt pulled over to the side of the road and I set up on the first antelope. 150 yards. Boom. Another down, and all I had to do was make a shot on the other antelope. But, for some reason (that whole adrenaline pumping thing) I couldn’t get steady on the second antelope. So we dragged my 3rd antelope back to the truck and decided to quarter it when we arrived at the main hunting area.

Driving into the BLM land, I spot a herd of antelope about 1200 yards away (not an easy task for the untrained eye, as the antelope blend with the surroundings really well). I pointed them out to Matt and found a place to pull off the dirt road. If we stayed low, we could use a natural cleft in the land to get a little closer.

As it turned out, it wasn’t that close. I questioned whether we should just go back and process the antelope that we had. Matt questioned my manhood and my shooting ability. Well, you know, when someone puts it like that, you need to respond appropriately. I put down my pack and set up my rifle. Matt had the range finder and gave me a reading of 600 yards. It looked farther away to me, and I questioned the range. Matt gave me a bunch of grief about how I shouldn’t question the spotter, how was he supposed to his job that I entrusted to him if all I did was question his ability, that it wasn’t very nice to pass judgment on his ranging skills and use of the equipment, etc. To get him to shut up, I dialed in my scope to 600 yards, checked the wind (none), settled on an antelope doe facing towards me, put the cross-hairs high on the chest /neck, and squeezed the trigger.

The herd took off – all except one. The one stood there for a second, then toppled over. I marked the spot from where I shot on the GPS, and Matt and I started the long walk towards the antelope. The antelope expired behind a sagebrush bush, and, after a few hundred yards, Matt and I debated on which hillside, and which sagebrush, the expired animal was behind (it’s amazing how the scenery starts to all look the same). To make Matt happy, we walked towards the one he thought it was first. It wasn’t there. We then walked to where I thought it was, and there she lay. Sweet! I marked the spot on my Garmin GPS. Looking at the entrance wound, I saw that the bullet had hit low in the chest. Later I checked the distance on the GPS, and found the actual distance to be 703 yards, which explains the lower impact. I was sure to point that out to Matt. Because the land is flat, the signal bounce on the laser range finder broadens as it goes ‘out’ and can pick up objects in a closer proximity than the actual object you desire to range.

We quartered her up and loaded it in my backpack (Matt carried two quarters as well). I also recovered what was left of the bullet. It travelled most of the way through the body, creating a wake of destruction in its path. No meat was harmed.

Back at the truck, we quartered the first antelope of that day, made some sandwiches, and discussed what to do. More rain was likely on the way, so it was back to camp, pack up, and head home. The tent was still a little moist on the north side, and the tarp we put under the tent was wet, but, I could hang up all of it in my garage and dry it out so it wouldn’t mold. With everything packed up, we travelled back to civilization.

Matt was nice enough to volunteer to process a couple of my antelope, so that made three antelope a piece to slice and dice, and vacuum seal. I decided to grind everything but the tenderloins and back loins. We used Matt’s new giant industrial-sized grinder, and it made short work of the 6 antelope.

It is a far, far better thing that I do, accomplishing the feat of getting five antelope in one weekend, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.

Method of Madness

There was no commotion causing container, but the cops did pay a visit last night 
 

Walking my dogs last night, around 10:45, I came across a wallet lying on the grass next to the sidewalk. I thought, “Woohoo, payday!” No, not really, I’ve lost my wallet before and someone was kind enough to return it to me fully intact, and I thought that this was my opportunity to pay it forward. However, upon searching the wallet for identification (some kid by the name of Drake Aragon), I came across a little baggie of powder.

My first impulse was to smell the powder to see what it was. No, I’m kidding… the last time I did that was in 7th grade when I found some clumped-up powder in my jean jacket. I broke it up on my desk (at school) and took a good hard sniff. Ever had laundry detergent up the nose? I spent the rest of the class controlling the tears coming out of my eyes due to the burning in my olfactory organ! I’m not claiming that I was the brightest kid… Up until I found the little baggie I was considering just finding the kid’s address and going and dropping off the wallet (putting it in an envelope with the kid’s name and dropping it on the front porch, due to the late hour). But, figuring that I was dealing with some illegal substance, I thought I would let the police handle it.

Upon my arrival at home, I checked Google maps to verify the address where I found the wallet, wrote it on a sticky note, and Audrey and I drove to the new Highlands Ranch Sheriff’s Department sub-station near the corner of Broadway and Highlands Ranch Parkway. Wouldn’t you know… closes at 5:30 PM. So, I drove to the likely places where I’ve seen Douglas County’s finest at night – King Soopers parking lot, Shea Stadium parking lot, etc. I mean, it was Sunday night in Highlands Ranch, how busy could they be? But I didn’t find any likely suspects, so I turned on to my street, only to look in the rear-view mirror and see a cop waiting at the light behind me. I flip a U-turn, but, the cop had already taken a left-turn down a residential street. I zoomed off in that direction (after the light changed to my favor) but couldn’t find him (or her… I don’t want to assume that only male cops work the tough beat on the mean streets of Highlands Ranch). So, I drove home.

I found the Douglas County non-emergency number and explained the situation to the woman on duty at dispatch. She asked me what the substance was, or why I thought it was drugs. I told her that even though I had long hair, it didn’t mean that I was used to identifying foreign substances in random wallets, but based on the location of the baggie in the wallet (it was shoved in an inner slot behind the kid’s driving permit), and the contents (would a kid randomly carry around a baggie of laundry detergent in his wallet?), I could make a pretty good assumption. She told me an officer was already on the way.

Not that I keep a messy house, but, as we were having a guest over, I thought (as Audrey did) that we should probably pick up a little bit. I cleared Audrey’s laptop off the dining-room table, put a few dishes in the dishwasher, and wiped down the kitchen counters. Then I thought, “Really? Is the cop going to care if I have a spotless kitchen?” I suppose if I was used to having cops over more often, I wouldn’t worry about how the house looked. Maybe I was concerned that he would think, “Wow, maybe this guy is just looking to get rid of some stuff and doesn’t know how to flush it down the toilet, so he stole some kids wallet and planted evidence.” I know, crazy, right? No, I really didn’t think that, but, maybe it was that I was concerned about the neighbors looking out their window and seeing a cop car in front of my house. I could imagine them shaking their heads and thinking, “Uh-huh, yeah, I thought so. That guy and his pickup truck and his long hair… it was only a matter of time.” Not that the neighbors would see the inside of my house either, but, if they asked the cop as he was leaving my house about how it looked inside, he could at least report that it was spotless.

Figuring I couldn’t do anything else to calm my nerves, I sparked up a fatty. Just kidding – I’ve never rolled a joint in my life. I actually went downstairs and watched the end of “Iron Chef America.” It was one of those rare episodes where the guest chef actually won the competition. Iron Chef Garca just didn’t cut the mustard. Or, maybe he did, but it wasn’t enough to convince the judges that he was the better chef.

The knock on the door was quiet, but, loud enough for my White Shepherd, Ilse, to hear it and perform her best “alarm bark.” I opened the door, and the guy (Sheriff in his 20’s) was standing about three feet back from the entrance, body angled slightly with one hand on his hip (near his gun), so I explained to him that the dogs were friendly. He came in and said that he was officer Solo. No, that wasn’t his real name – I forgot what it actually was, but he looked a little like a young Harrison Ford, and his last name began with an “S” so I just merged the two in my mind.

After letting the dogs smell him, I had to state for the record that it was actually the dogs that had just perfumed the air (I think Ilse got a little excited). Luckily Audrey keeps a little spray can of cinnamon for just an occasion and aromatically cleaned up the foyer as I brought Officer Solo over to the freshly-cleaned dining room table. He made some notes regarding the location where I found the wallet, a description of the wallet, and what I stated I found in the wallet. He had his flashlight out, and turned on, as his other hand picked up the wallet. Then, putting the flashlight away and stretching the examination gloves over his hands, he opened the wallet and pulled out the kid’s CO State ID. “Looks familiar,” he commented. He then pulled out the first baggie. Unwrapping it, he examined the powder at the bottom. He then pulled out a second baggie – it contained a small round pill. “Yeah, that’s not a breath-mint.” I asked him what he thought they were. “Well, the round pill is probably ecstasy. The powder could be coke or heroin.” I suggested that it might be meth. “Yeah, could be. I’ll need to take it to the lab to find out exactly what it is. They have one over here at the substation.”

Officer Solo then had me fill out some paperwork, just in case I needed to testify in court before they sent Drake to little-kid jail. He also indicated that he could call me and let me know what the substances were after he did his testing, if I was going to be up for a while. Being that it was close to 1 AM, I thought, “Sure, what’s another hour?” With the paperwork filled out, he thanked me for having him over, that he had a great time, loved the warm hospitality, and that he would have the two of us over sometime as well. Well, no, it wasn’t exactly like that, but I think he appreciated us for turning in the wallet. I watched him walk to his squad car. No neighbors came up to him asking questions about the cleanliness of my house.

About an hour later, I checked my iPhone. It showed I had missed a call. D’oh! I had turned down my ringer earlier and had forgotten to turn it back up again. I called the number back and spoke with dispatch. “Uh, hi, uh, my name is Leif, and, uh, I missed a call from an officer that just came over to my house, and , uh, he said he would call me to tell me what types of drugs I’d found, and, uh, I had my ringer off on my cell phone…” and I just stopped talking right there. If I had actually thought about what I was going to say, before I said anything, I might not have started to sound like a moron. Being the late hour that it was, my attempts at not sounding like a dweeb utterly failed. What am I talking about? I didn’t make any attempt what-so-ever. I just imagined the woman on the other end rolling her eyes as she said, “I’ll just patch you in to his phone.”

“Hi, this is Officer Solo. Thanks for calling me back!” I apologized for missing his call, and he said that the pill was indeed Ecstasy, and that the powder was meth. Hey, all of those episodes watching, “Dog the Bounty Hunter” finally paid off with my drug identification knowledge! I asked him what would happen next. “Well, we’ll contact the kid’s parents, and the kid, and see what he admits to. Then we’ll destroy the drugs.” I asked if they could bring him up on charges. “Well, we’ll see what he says. If he admits to having the drugs, we can go from there.” I said, “And, if he gets a lawyer, the lawyer can claim that I planted the drugs.” “Yeah, any half-decent lawyer would claim that because the kid wasn’t in possession of the wallet at the time, they can claim that the drugs didn’t belong to the kid.”

I thanked him for following up with me and let it go at that. I’m glad that I was able to get an infinitely-small amount of drugs off the cold hard streets of the suburbs, rejoice at the fact that some stupid druggie kid might make a different choice in his future as a result of this incident, and that I had a clean kitchen and dining room table in the morning for making breakfast.